BARRYOBOMBER Joke and Humor section
A guy is 70 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.’ He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say a gain,’ Pick me up.'
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'
The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.
Then the frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'
FAKE AMISH :-)
One Upsmanship
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.
The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hard bodied, well hung, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, "My God...."
Little Johny says, "Mom,when I was on the bus with daddy this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady, "Well.you've done the right thing, says mommy, But Mommy, I Was sitting on DAddy's lap."
Chinese eye test
If you cannot decipher anything, then try pulling the corner of your eyes as if you were Chinese (kunyari "singkit" ka...)
hehehe It works ...
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.
The Russians used a pencil.
Three Chinese brothers, Bu, Chu, and Fu, want to illegally live in America. The brothers decide to change their names to seem American. Bu changes his name to Buck. Chu changes his name to Chuck. And Fu got sent back to China. 
Seconds
A young man once asked God how long a million years was to him. God replied, "A million years to me is just like a single second in your time." Then the young man asked God what a million dollars was to Him. God replied, "A million dollars to me is just like a single penny to you." Then the young man got his courage up and asked: "God, could I have one of your pennies?" God smiled and replied, "Certainly, just a second."
A plane leaves the Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His co-pilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together, and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike. Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, "I don't like Chinese." "No rike Chinese?" asks the co-pilot, "why not?" "You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!" "No, no," the co-pilot protests, "Chinese not bomb Pearl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese." "Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese...doesn't matter, you're all alike!"
There's a few minutes of silence. "No rike Jews!" the co-pilot suddenly announces. "Why not?" asks the captain. "Jews sink Titanic." "Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the captain, "it was an iceberg!" "Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, Steinberg, no mattah...all same!"
Where is God?
A couple had two little boys ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved. The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon. The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?" The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it!"
A girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?". The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That's not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.
The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That's it.”
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.” 
What do you call a monkey in a minefield ?
A Baboom ! :-)
A man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend to death.
Wife says, "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends ".
A scientist and a philosopher were being chased by a hungry lion. The scientist made some quick calculations, he said “it's no good trying to outrun it, its catching up”.
The philosopher kept a little ahead and replied “I am not trying to outrun the lion, I am trying to outrun you !”
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.
Not screaming in terror like his passengers.
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well... we were married for 28 years
First-year students at Texas A & M's Vet school were attending their
first Anatomy class, with a real dead pig.
They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a
White sheet. The professor started the class by saying, 'In Veterinary
Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a Doctor: The
first is not to be disgusted by anything involving an animals body'.
For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, touched his finger in
the mouth of the dead pig, withdrew it and put his Finger in his mouth. 'Go
ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took
turns putting their finger in the mouth of the dead pig and tasted in their
mouth.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The Second
most important quality is observation. I touched with my middle Finger and
tasted on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention…
Moral of the story:
Life is tough
but it is lot tougher
when you act
stupid!!!!!
Quickie Humor
It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame..
We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "smart"?
A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.
LEARN FROM YOUR PARENTS' MISTAKES, USE BIRTH CONTROL
Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.
One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day.
The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population.
